MTM Presents

Circa 1980 I was Mary Tyler Moore. I really was.

I had the big apartment on the 25th floor and my sidekick Rhoda (real name Debbie) had the bachelor 5 floors down. We worked together. We invented our own language. We worried people with our ability to understand everything each other was saying, even though we sounded like 2 lock jawed, jewish manicurists ( you're soaking in it) hosting a talk show about how to throw a truly abysmal dinner party.

We were obsessed with The Mary Tyler Moore Show. We would meet every night at 8 in Rhoda/Debbie's much inferior apartment to watch the episode we knew every line to.
Those lines became the theme to our own delusions of a life lived in Minneapolis.

We even had our own Mr. Grant. His real name was Peter but, for some reason, to us he was known as our Petey. I have no idea how he became our Petey. Perhaps it was because we both lusted after him. He looked like a pre-muslim Cat Stevens but he was as about as bright as a small appliance bulb. We forgave him for his lack of mental agility and rated the dilemmas of the day by the number of hands that our Petey would thrust down his pants. A one hander meant a simple and solveable distraction such as a spider on the window or a hangnail. A two hander could have meant anything from an un-explained crumb in his beard to a bomb in aisle B. Oh but we each had our own romantic fantasies about Petey. In mine I was teaching him the alphabet. In Rhoda/Debbie's he was banging out the wall in her (much inferior) apartment wearing denim overalls and nothing else.........it was the 80's.

The lines from the show became our mantra.

Rhoda/Debbie to Mary on a bad hair day....."Mary, where's your regular hair?"
Mary to everyone when accepting an award.....on a bad hair day....."I usually look much better than this"

Mary to Mr. Grant/Our Petey at an abysmal dinner party....."Mr. Grant you took too much. You have to put some back"

Rhoda/Debbie to Mr. Grant/Our Petey......Mary's dinner parties are always abysmal


The battle for Our Petey was never won. He was deemed most likely to wonder what goes where. But Rhoda/Debbie and I remained un-beatable at TV show theme songs.


Who can turn the world on with her smile ?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile ?
Well it's you girl and you should know it
Each glance and every little movement you show it
Love is all around why don't you take it ?
You can have it all no need to fake it
You're gonna make it after all

Tossing my beret into the air. Catch it Rhoda/Debbie....wherever you are. 

But it was me that Mr. Grant/Our Petey wanted. I had the better apartment. 

Some Random Thoughts That Occured While Debating If I Need Therapy

Why can't you make the word red into an adverb by adding ly , ie; he stared redly ?

It would seem that you can make anything an adverb by adding ly. I will start doing that nowly.



What's the difference between a mistake and an error ?

A mistake you make once, like a typo or sending a naughty text mistakenly to your ex husband. The subsequent scrambling for a plausible explanation is the guarantor to ensuring it never happens again.
An error you make repeatedly. It's based upon mis-judgement,  like the error contained in calling your friend's baby bullet head in a room full of Stepford wives.
It's the end of an error.


While correcting and completing a crossword puzzle for my mother the other day I noticed a clue that read, Pago Pago is it's capital. My mother had entered the answer Genoa. I laughed a little bit. Then I laughed Samoa.

 While on the topic of my mother; upon recently scouring the kitchen cupboards for something legitimately edible, I considered throwing a Chopped Whitby themed dinner party. Guests would be challenged to create a delightful and agreeable entree from the following ingredients :

a can of sardines
a jar of Marmite
lime jello
a bag full of frozen chicken bones ( ?? )
something that was once either a tomato or a red pepper but now looks like a zombie walked by and coughed.
a jar of walnuts that may have been there when I was looking for elbow macaroni for a 3rd grade art project

Anyone surviving the ptomaine apocalypse would be invited to a grand finale at Miss Havisham's  house.

Never rains but it pours

So........you spend a year, or (ahem) so, scrolling through the same old insipid profiles, hoping for something to jump out at you...or at least hoping for someone who is entertaining enough to pass a few mindless hours with, until you suddenly have a smorgasbord of delicacies to choose from. Ain't it always the way ? You can spend endless hours at Bikini Bay...searching through the tired, the ill fitting, the dated and then suddenly 3 of then just seem to fit perfectly. The perfect one, of course, disappeared long ago.
One of them looks good but it is a bit too scratchy, a bit too confining....so you dismiss it as a possibility. Two remain.
One of them is bright and frivolous. It has a few dangling adornments that you want to cut off.....but damn, it is eye catching.
The other one is more sedate. It fits in all the right places. It is not frivolous, but it just covers all the bases in a very comforting manner.

When you put on the bright one......you want it.
When you put on the sedate one.....you want it.

They are both on sale. No return policy. You don't know how either will look when they get wet.

I will likely choose the flashy one. I am attracted to bling. But sometimes I wonder if bling should not define me.

Oh how I wish they could both tell me how they feel about the fit.
They can't, I know. I have to make a choice.

It will become clear......depending on how well the top compliments the bottom.

I think I know.