Ah yes, the "intent" box....the most ponderous and perplexing of the required fields on any given dating site. It doesn't really matter which option we blithely select, for it will be seized, sneered at, prodded and condemned long before the bloodthirsty welcoming committee has sniffed your pheromones and looked up your skirt.
The options are standard and seemingly banal in their simplicity, but nooooooo....evils lurk in the minds of the circling sharks and just as a dog may hear, "Yes, you can have that pork chop" as you are saying " Stay off the sofa", the regulars have bastardized the options into their own equally banal interpretations.
First we have....."Seeking a relationship". Plenty of Fish, never one to ignore the opportunity for excess, also offers "Actively seeking a relationship" and "Seeking someone to marry". If we take the first, and least threatening of these options, the notion seems to arise that we could possibly show up for a second date driving a U-Haul. Throw in the adverb of option 2, and it would seem that the aforementioned U-Haul is cruising local avenues with heat seeking sensors and a chilled 6 pack. As for the marriage option, well one would have to have a complete sense of "romanticide" to even consider this one, since the U-Haul is now required to contain a Lazy Boy for Mom and a complete library of "How To" books relating to the deconstruction of a man cave.
Next we have the option that married people daydream about....."Dating". The enviable life of candlelit dinners, dancing, long walks on moonlit beaches and the constant ringing of our doorbell by FTD. But if the opposite sex are to read malicious intent into something so seemingly rapturous, would it be that we lack the necessary domestic skills to cook for ourselves and embrace as many free meals as possible to avoid potential malnutrition.....or are we simply commitment phobic ? This one is rife with potential pitfalls and should be offered with lengthly disclaimers containing such SEO optimizations as "open to the possibility...." , "if more develops....." and "no friends will call with a fake emergency".
Now here is where it gets fuzzy. Lavalife cuts right to the core and offers the only 3rd option of Intimacy . The orange room where true intentions are exposed along with.....other things. Can't offer much enlightenment on that.
The ever superfluous Plenty of Fish however, gives us 3 further options to consider.
Friends - seems self explanatory enough
Hang Out - given that the minimum age to register is 18, this one puzzles me. It seems to imply shopping mall food courts and watching rom-coms in our pyjamas.
Not Seeking a Relationship or any kind of Commitment - after having tested this one out, it apparently seems to mean that you are readily available for random hook-ups, sexting and typing dirty. My popularity has increased exponentially since this option was utilized and, while the # of Favorites lists I now appear on has elicited a self high 5....I am not offering any of the aforementioned services. Time to change it back to another option.
The question is however..............which one ?
Pollyanna and the Piranhas........ Online Dating for Dummies
Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, February 27, 2014
A Twist on The Morning After
The inherent problem with dating sites, and we all know this, is the overall lack of sincerity, honesty and integrity. They are grossly over populated by bottom feeders ( marine metaphor to be excused in reference to the fishing site) and not so well intentioned trollers ( oops I did it again) of the sad, the lonely, the mis-begotten.
It is a bit of a condemning outlook, I am aware, but if you are someone who inherently believes that the sun will shine tomorrow and that your car will start regardless of the cold....well, you tend to fall head first into the Ha-Ha Hotel of Hopefulness, only to find that it is run by Leona Helmsley.
The true problem arises when, and this is rare, you do meet someone who has no ecstasy to drop into your cocktail, no illiterate friends to give your # to, and no mirrors on his shoes. How do you possibly address this novelty? Why, you ruin it of course, because you are so accustomed to the bullshit that you simply insert it of your own accord. You blast them with the fire hose of fallacious assumptions, you whip them with the wounds you have endured.......and you wake up in the morning with a regret that cannot justify.
It takes a hard shell, it takes the knowledge of when to remove that shell, and it takes PHD in anthropology to separate the two.
It is a bit of a condemning outlook, I am aware, but if you are someone who inherently believes that the sun will shine tomorrow and that your car will start regardless of the cold....well, you tend to fall head first into the Ha-Ha Hotel of Hopefulness, only to find that it is run by Leona Helmsley.
The true problem arises when, and this is rare, you do meet someone who has no ecstasy to drop into your cocktail, no illiterate friends to give your # to, and no mirrors on his shoes. How do you possibly address this novelty? Why, you ruin it of course, because you are so accustomed to the bullshit that you simply insert it of your own accord. You blast them with the fire hose of fallacious assumptions, you whip them with the wounds you have endured.......and you wake up in the morning with a regret that cannot justify.
It takes a hard shell, it takes the knowledge of when to remove that shell, and it takes PHD in anthropology to separate the two.
Monday, February 17, 2014
The Best and the Worst
When considering the nominations for this post it came to mind that the best and worst of the past year were with the same person so, given the ambiguity of that situation I will retreat further into the annals and related the best and worst.....in my colourful dating history.
Several years ago I agreed to a date with a man who lived a good distance away and had a somewhat indistinct picture posted on his profile. I was hesitant and expressed my concerns to a co-worker who offered the sunny little homily, "You never know", and.... indeed you don't.
Tacit 1st date etiquette has suggested that, when meeting at a restaurant, the 1st person to arrive waits at the door in order to ascertain identity. I found no one at the door but knew he had arrived due to a prior phone call. Wandering aimlessly in search of the indistinct date I was taken pity on by an astute hostess who pointed me to a table where an individual sat alone, his face obscured by the large menu he was perusing. Puzzled but undaunted I sat across from the menu and counted to ten before it was lowered. Indistinct man gave way to non-descript man.
The server appeared and requested our drinks order. I responded with, "I will have a marguarita on the rocks". He responded with, "I'll have a fajita".
Already wishing I had arranged the ersatz emergency phone call I anxiously awaited my marguarita which I fully intended on downing in one gulp. My drink, and his dinner were presented and he blithely began eating the fajita filling as though it was a stew, mopping up liquid with the tortillas. Not as disturbing though, was his utter obliviousness to the absence of food in front of me, as was the manner in which he ate. Left arm encircling the plate, right arm steadily shoveling food into his mouth with head bent and eyes darting around the room. Yes, I thought, I have seen men eat in this manner before.......in prison !!!!! Only movies about prison of course but any one of them will reveal this particular style of eating as guarding one's food before the Aryan brotherhood comes to claim it.
My 2nd marguarita was rapidly waning as he looked up and suddenly remarked upon my foodless state, deposited a teaspoonful of fajita stew onto my side plate and ordered the cheque.
Thirty minutes after arriving, dinner was eaten and paid for and we were standing in the parking lot where I muttered something lame about perhaps having left the iron on before driving home ( with a side trip to LCBO ) steadily watching my rearview mirror for following headlights.
Yes.....that was the worst.
The best was a lunch date, and a much shorter story. Simply put, we met for lunch......and stayed for dinner. As the lunch crowd exited and we were left alone but having far too much fun to contemplate leaving, we asked the manager if anyone would mind if we stayed.....throwing in the fact that it was a 1st date for cuteness value. Not only were we welcomed but we were treated as a romantic little novelty to which he added the "awwww" inducing across the table kiss. Eight hours later we were still able to adequately steam up the car windows before parting.
Why did I not marry him? Because future correspondence revealed that he was running his own little season of "The Bachelor", narrowing the field week by week and while I was happy for the "rose" I was not interested in competing.
Sadly.....the restaurant no longer exists.
Several years ago I agreed to a date with a man who lived a good distance away and had a somewhat indistinct picture posted on his profile. I was hesitant and expressed my concerns to a co-worker who offered the sunny little homily, "You never know", and.... indeed you don't.
Tacit 1st date etiquette has suggested that, when meeting at a restaurant, the 1st person to arrive waits at the door in order to ascertain identity. I found no one at the door but knew he had arrived due to a prior phone call. Wandering aimlessly in search of the indistinct date I was taken pity on by an astute hostess who pointed me to a table where an individual sat alone, his face obscured by the large menu he was perusing. Puzzled but undaunted I sat across from the menu and counted to ten before it was lowered. Indistinct man gave way to non-descript man.
The server appeared and requested our drinks order. I responded with, "I will have a marguarita on the rocks". He responded with, "I'll have a fajita".
Already wishing I had arranged the ersatz emergency phone call I anxiously awaited my marguarita which I fully intended on downing in one gulp. My drink, and his dinner were presented and he blithely began eating the fajita filling as though it was a stew, mopping up liquid with the tortillas. Not as disturbing though, was his utter obliviousness to the absence of food in front of me, as was the manner in which he ate. Left arm encircling the plate, right arm steadily shoveling food into his mouth with head bent and eyes darting around the room. Yes, I thought, I have seen men eat in this manner before.......in prison !!!!! Only movies about prison of course but any one of them will reveal this particular style of eating as guarding one's food before the Aryan brotherhood comes to claim it.
My 2nd marguarita was rapidly waning as he looked up and suddenly remarked upon my foodless state, deposited a teaspoonful of fajita stew onto my side plate and ordered the cheque.
Thirty minutes after arriving, dinner was eaten and paid for and we were standing in the parking lot where I muttered something lame about perhaps having left the iron on before driving home ( with a side trip to LCBO ) steadily watching my rearview mirror for following headlights.
Yes.....that was the worst.
The best was a lunch date, and a much shorter story. Simply put, we met for lunch......and stayed for dinner. As the lunch crowd exited and we were left alone but having far too much fun to contemplate leaving, we asked the manager if anyone would mind if we stayed.....throwing in the fact that it was a 1st date for cuteness value. Not only were we welcomed but we were treated as a romantic little novelty to which he added the "awwww" inducing across the table kiss. Eight hours later we were still able to adequately steam up the car windows before parting.
Why did I not marry him? Because future correspondence revealed that he was running his own little season of "The Bachelor", narrowing the field week by week and while I was happy for the "rose" I was not interested in competing.
Sadly.....the restaurant no longer exists.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Repeat Offender
I am no neophyte to single life, having spent several years thusly in my 40's. Following a 4 year relationship, which shall be referred to as simply " the mistake by the lake", I found myself once again bereft of a snoring body in the bed. A brief reclusive episode which consisted of many days at the beach and many nights of debauchery with gay neighbours has led me back into the maelstrom of online dating. Things haven't changed much, nor have the people, nor have the pictures which are by now at least 10 years older than their original claim. Everyone is still startlingly down to earth and easy going and snide comments from me regarding the laws of gravity or the intrinsic attraction of a complicated soul seem to have little impact upon this preponderance of blandness.
Ages are now misrepresented to the degree that men seen in Shopper's Drug Mart on seniors day are now in their mid 40's and endomorphic body types seem more and more to qualify as average.
What does seem to be a new and somewhat disturbing phenomenon however, is the reliance upon texting as a sexual encounter. Given the degree to which acronyms count as words when texting.......I look forward to many more requests to CUDOYRSELF, to which I can reply ............NGFH.
Next time......the best and worst.
Ages are now misrepresented to the degree that men seen in Shopper's Drug Mart on seniors day are now in their mid 40's and endomorphic body types seem more and more to qualify as average.
What does seem to be a new and somewhat disturbing phenomenon however, is the reliance upon texting as a sexual encounter. Given the degree to which acronyms count as words when texting.......I look forward to many more requests to CUDOYRSELF, to which I can reply ............NGFH.
Next time......the best and worst.
The primary purpose of establishing this blog was to provide myself with a outlet, outside of emails to PW, by which to share not just my love of alliterations but my somewhat skewed views on being fifty (something) and single.
Of course other rants and wry observations may appear from time to time. Never let it be said that I am linear or that I can resist a segue.
All anecdotes are described with 100% accuracy, minimal enhancement for comic value and no egos were wounded in the process.
Of course other rants and wry observations may appear from time to time. Never let it be said that I am linear or that I can resist a segue.
All anecdotes are described with 100% accuracy, minimal enhancement for comic value and no egos were wounded in the process.
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